Mistake

This is the real me
the truth in me
no walls
no fake smiles
just me
take it or leave it
the choice is yours.


I have another place where I post on a different sight, but there I cannot be myself. I cannot tell the truth about my life, I lie there, I lie to maintain my name, to keep people from asking. I lie to try and escape it all, but in all reality I am just hurting myself. I am just digging myself deeper and deeper, but I really do not have a choice. I have to keep them from asking questions, I have to keep them from knowing, from knowing the truth about me. Keep them from knowing that my life is far from perfect.

I do not like when people know my problems. I am not that type of person, I like to keep my problems to myself and try and help other people instead. I put others before me. I want them to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. However I realized the other day that I had to let someone in. I needed help and I could not do it alone. I was scared and did not know what to do and I needed help. Even if I did not want to admit it, I needed help. I needed someone to turn to, I needed someone to hold me, I needed someone to catch my tears and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

We all make mistakes, even though some of us do not admit it, we all make mistakes and I made a very big one six weeks ago. I knew the very moment it was happening but I did not stop it and by me not doing anything about it, it left me scared and alone with a million questions running through my head. It also left me standing in a store six weeks later staring at pregnancy tests with who I now consider to be my best friend. It left me shaking the entire way back to her apartment, it left me praying to God to not let it be true, to please let it say "not pregnant" that I would do ANYTHING if he would just grant this prayer for me. It left me sitting on the bathroom floor with the room spinning not knowing what to do. I was more scared than I had ever been in my entire life. But God answered my prayer and it said "not pregnant". I now count my blessings everyday and I know that I have a voice, I know that I need to not be afraid to use it. I know that I can let people in and that they will still love me and be there for me. I know that it is okay to not always be the strong one, that it is okay to be weak and let others be there for you.

So this is the real me, I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I just ask that you love me for who I am. Do not hate me for the mistakes I make because we all make them, no one is perfect, we can try to be, but we never will be. This is the real me, my mask has been removed, try to see why I wear it though. As the days go on you will see more of my life and why I feel the need to wear a mask. You will see into my life and why I wear this smile when really inside my heart is crying just hoping that someone will see that it is not the real me and dare to go the distance to ask me to take off my mask.